Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Right where it belongs

See the animal in his cage that you built,
Are you sure what side you're on?
Better not look him too closely in the eye,
Are you sure what side of the glass you are on?
See the safety of the life you have built
Everything where it belongs
Feel the hollowness inside of your heart
And it's all, right where it belongs

What if everything around you,
Isn't quite as it seems?
What if all the world you think you know,
Is an elaborate dream?
And if you look at your reflection,
Is that all you want to be?
What if you could look right through the cracks,
Would you find yourself, find yourself afraid to see?

What if all the worlds inside of your head,
Just creations of your own?
Your devils and your Gods, all the living and the dead
And you're really all alone?
You could live in this illusion
You can choose to believe
You keep looking but you can't find the woods
While you're hiding in the trees

What if everything around you,
Isn't quite as it seems?
What if all the world you used to know,
Is an elaborate dream?
And if you look at your reflection,
Is that all you want to be?
What if you could look right through the cracks,
Would you find yourself, find yourself afraid to see?


3 whole bars of network and all I get is 2KBPS?!? I need out. lol :P With Teeth is also an amazing song. This song's pretty easy to make out. I've been through it. The whole aspect of "What if...?". I still don't know. Who the fuck knows? Maybe this whole ride is a dream, but I'm still looking for answers "within the circles of reality" lol :P I sent this to a friend of mine the other day, "If life was more normal and predictable, you wouldn't have any reason to live. It's the whole mystery of 'what lies ahead' that keeps us going."

Nobody has found an answer to that question yet. I mean... except for The Jetsons of course. I mean, with a future like that, who wouldn't want to live? :D xD

I need to sleep but these damn stitches are killin' me! My muscles are in pain! It's 5:04am here. I'll try reading.


Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Imagine... it's easy if you try...

Let me feel tonight once more
Let me feel it again
Soft and sweetly
Feel tonight to be sure
That we'll find a way
We'll find a way...


Well I guess it's been a while, but I've been a bit tied up with stuff. The stitches came off, but a few days later, a crater formed. Looked so disgusting and awesome that I still wonder why I got the stitch re-done. It hurts like hell now, and I can see blood collecting in the bandages even as I type. Very cool indeed lol :P

Life is going slightly downhill, for reasons known only to myself and the love of my life. I wish I knew how to show her just how much I care and how much she means to me. And I wish I could make her believe me when I say that I'll love her forever. Sheesh, I bet even you (the reader of this depressingly funny blog) don't believe me. But the fact still remains that I believe myself. For real. No joke. None intended.
I know there's a way, and I'll find it.

I'm back on Facebook, hilarious as it sounds. I just HAD to watch my little sketch. Plus I missed Leo, Liyah and the others. It might be just me, but for some reason, talking over the phone with someone you're so used to meeting in person and chatting with online is kinda uncomfortable. I dunno. Feels awkward to me.

Naved posted yet another hate-ridden note against religion and Zakir Naik a few days ago. I really don't understand some aspects of how this world really runs. "Morality" advises you to "fight fire with fire".......... seriously? Where's the logic in that? Which stupid, narrow-minded cocksucker came up with that saying? Oh sure, a burning building surrounded by firefighters pelting molotov cocktails and hand-grenades through the windows is a common scene we busybodies witness all the time!! I mean, come - the fuck- on! Why can't people see that instead of hating and fighting against war-mongers, we should just stand our ground and preach peace even if it kills us?? That way, we can at least prove a point. How does it make us any different from the filthy war-mongers themselves if we just fight back?? Even if it is in self-defense, we're just reacting exactly as they want us to react.

What the fuck are laws created for anyway? They should come to some form of use at least! There are always loopholes to be found in every man-made belief and system. I know I know... I'm just wasting my breath. But damn it all if I don't get my point through to at least one human being.

I do hate. At one point, I thought I could never hate. But I do, and denying it would make me a hypocrite. I hate religion, I hate politics, I detest pedophiles of all shapes and sizes, I hate wars, I hate famine, I hate world peace (since it doesn't exist), I hate the god(s) people believe in and I hate those who question my lack of faith. I have the right to not believe. I have free will of my own. Can I not want my life to be controlled by an imaginary, masochistic dictator? People don't get that. I don't question others' beliefs or opinions. I just nod along, respecting their views first, and then share my own. They don't see the respect afterwards though, and because of that I tend to keep a good-mile distance from that certain topic. Not because I'm scared of confrontations or bombings and such. I don't care about that shit. I mean no disrespect to those people, because just as I have rights to not believe, they have the rights to do as they please as well. It's only common sense, which I recently gained, by the way.

It's sad really... to see the world's populace be blinded by hatred. Hatred towards their own kind at that. Seriously, if aliens do exist, and if they wage war against us, Osama's gonna be drinking tea and chasing children, waiting for America to use up all their nukes and ammunition. And right when Will Smith walks into his house (picture the last scene from Independence Day) Osama strikes with a burning turban! D:

All this negativity... it really bums me out. I wish I could do something about it. I hope I get a chance to try.

I miss and love you. Can't sleep. Leg hurts when I turn in my sleep. I hope you're doing okay. You'd better keep your promise love. Damn I'm gonna worry if you go to class tomorrow. Sweet dreams babe. Ataliboo...

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

It's alive!! D:

I just can't understand why I can't find people who want to cover Tool and/or Deftones. Sad really, since I've been searching for quite a while now. I found one fool (a guy named Moin) who used to cover Tool with his ex band. But sadly, the guy's gone way too far down the road of drugs. His drug of choice right now is heroin. I never understood the concept of shooting up since I have a huge fear of needles lol.

Coming back to the point, I really need to find a guitarist, a drummer and a bass player who would jam to anything and everything. The people in this country suck balls. All they ever listen to are stuff which are currently channelling through the mainstream underground scene. And the cover bands? I think I already have an old post where I already showed my genuine distaste for those guys. Don't even get me started on the ones who only listen to bengali pop or folk music (not that it's a bad thing, but come -the fuck- on! Extend your tastes people!).

I miss Leo and Liyah (no relation lol). Two of my foreign friends on Facebook. The former a Kenyan who currently resides in South Africa, and the latter a Canadian. Both were funny and creative in their own ways. Leo is a born poet. I wouldn't be surprised if he comes out with an album soon. And, if I know him well enough, it's gonna be about peace, and it's definitely going to be inspired by Common lol. I don't know much about Liyah's creativity, except for the fact that she loves to debate against religion. :P I used to read her arguments against Muslims and Christians daily, and those who couldn't argue back probably considered it a smart move to post lecherous replies to her posts. Which usually pissed me off, but her replies to those dicks usually made my day. She could make me laugh any time she wanted to, and she was genuinely concerned about me whenever I was down in the dumps. Miss them both a shitload.

Helped buy her a replacement for her wand today (I say helped since I had to chip in with her. I was broke), since she gave back the one she found. It was a complete misunderstanding, and I hope she sees it that way too. Don't think it'll replace the wand, but it can be used for other purposes... *gulps* lol :P

Tataliboo jaan. Already told you how amazing you looked in those pics, but omgsh... O_O :P
Guess you're asleep by now since you haven't called, so *hugs you to sleep* :)
I'll make you believe in forever again.

Monday, February 16, 2009

Seamless pretence

There's no sand in my eyes
I'm fine
All the pain inside
Reeks of my life
Don't need nothing more
Waste of time
And all the while I'm just
Letting go inside...

Caving in
Feelings burnt to charcoals within...


I wish I could travel. Heh... I gotta wait 3 more years for that. Fuck it for now then I guess... meh...

Pretty tired out. Had a long day. The song up there? *points up with an inquisitive look* Just something a friend (Munim) and I came up with a few weeks ago. Just wish I had someone who would critique me... since he can't figure it out... sao... lol. The guy's hilarious and fun to hang out with though. Says and does the randomest stuff. xD

Finally got to get outta the house!! Damn I missed the sky. Yeah, that may sound weird, but the sky's something I feel I could stare at for hours on end. I dunno... it just seems so damn peaceful up there. Guess I'll never know...

Miss you babe.

Deesh pho you ^^

Friday, February 13, 2009

Friday the 13th

This day always reminds me of Jason... and Freddy Krueger as well for some reason. Two of my favorite fictional characters of all time. Had a Jason mask when I was a youngin', which I wore for Halloween during my stay in Dallas. One of the houses scared me shitless. The people there were very creative when it came to scary stuff, especially during Halloween. They were a married couple and the husband was a Satanist. Their son (Josh) was in my class (4th grade Rose Mary Hagger... Ms Pruitt was a pain lol). The whole house had this eerie disposition to it, and their collection of books was quite amazing as far as I can remember; a huge library of horror novels and books on the occult (which I didn't understand the meaning of back then). They were nice people though. I usually went over to play basketball in their back yard and for an occasional swim in the pool. And the movies... can't forget the movies. All the horror flicks one could wish for (give or take a few). Though Josh was more into Nickelodeon back then... :/ I guess my taste for horror started in that house. Ever since then, I've been dying to create a movie of my own... something that's going to catch the viewers by surprise and make them scream 'til they puke. Though I don't think it'll be a good idea to release it in this country, since it's obviously going to be filled with blood and guts galore. Right now I'm just concentrating on basic comedy sketches, since it's one of the things I'm pretty good at (if I do say so meself).

Just wish my dad didn't feel the need to get back to his homeland. Nothing against this country, but now I feel like I don't have the necessary surroundings for my ideas. Thankful for one thing though; I would never have met her if we settled there for good.

She surprised me yet again today. Told me she wasn't coming over (which, of course, bummed me out). Later I recieved a call from a friend (Naved, with whom she was supposed to hang out with today) who asked me to open the front door. I think my brain died from happiness, since she came over with two of our closest friends (Naved and Turjo). We hung out, laughed and made fun of Turjo (as per usual), and went out for tea. Then they dropped me home and left. Am still as happy as can be. My love for this beautiful being holds no boundaries.

Since it's the 13th, I'm downloading the old A Nightmare On Elm Street movies which I loved as a kid. She obviously loves them as well since Johnny Depp is in the 3rd one. She's a HUGE fan of Johnny Depp, and not only for his "good looks". As am I (not for the "good looks" at all though lol) for he is an amazing actor and carries out his characters' images well. Damn internet speed kills me. Who the fuck can stand to download a movie with only 4kbps?? :/ It's usually at around 25-29kbps (which is still slow compared to other countries) but something's wrong with it today. Oh well, shouldn't complain when one has free internet. :P

Can't upload the video on youtube, since we used the old Scooby Doo theme song for one of the scenes. Breach of copyright laws or some shit like that. Oh well. Even I haven't seen it yet. Will watch it with her on her Facebook. I disabled mine for I think it's a complete waste of time.Plus it's way too addictive. Not that I had those little application thingys... I would just find myself sitting and browsing the site for no good reason... even after I was done replying to wall posts and posting notes and videos.

Well, I'll leave it here for now. I'm guessing this is my largest post to date. My back's killing me lol.

Miss you jaan. Thank you so damn much. Ataliboo.

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Listen to the tales and romanticize...

Underneath the bridge
The tarp has sprung a leak

And the animals I've trapped
Have all become my pets

And I'm living off of grass
And drippings from the ceiling

It's okay to eat fish
'Cause they don't have any feelings

Something in the way
Mmm mmm
Something in the way, yeah
Mmm mmm


That song was going through my head for some reason. One of the darkest songs I've ever heard. The whole metaphorical concept of the song kills me. It's so easy to see how he compares animals and fish to his fans, who became his "pets" at that certain point of his life. Not too sure about the part where he's "underneath the bridge". Forums and sources talk about him running away from home and living under a bridge. Might signify that, but I feel there's something more to it. It has something to do with the chorus. As if his running away from home was holding him back. Something in the way... love it.

RE-Degeneration wasn't all that at all. The animation was awesome though, but the storyline kinda killed it. But what more can one expect from the same concept that's been stretched to the point where The Matrix seems like a short story? Jeez.

In any case, had a normal day. Nothing special, since she didn't come over. Hope I see her tomorrow.Friends came over today. Felt a bit better then. We talked and laughed and they actually made me believe I had cancer. I can be so fucking gullible sometimes.

I hate this... lying on my ass all day and doing nothing but eat, sleep, read, and drink. Damn I'm seriously hankering for some Chinese food right now. I've been dreaming of fried rice with beef (dripping with oyster sauce), pieces of fried chicken and chow mein flying around in small bowls and taunting me with their delicious fragrances... okay... I should stop now.

Oh yeah, I made a short comedy sketch with a couple of my friends before the whole operation took place. I'll post the link as soon as my friend uploads it on youtube. Kinda corny, but it was fun doing it. We created the scenes right off the top of our heads, right then and there. So yeah... hence the corniness lol.

Miss you babu.

Tuesday, February 10, 2009


Blink-182's back together!! Omfg!! :D Just hope they don't disappoint me like AVA's 2nd album did. Pure unadulterated shite compared to Plus-44 (though they sold out). Nonetheless, my favorite band since the 5th grade are back together and I'm fucking ecstatic! People call me gay for listening to 182... to them I say FREEDOM OF CHOICE MOTHER FUCKERS!! WOOT!!

3 more hours 'til Resident Evil - Degeneration. It's about time RE got animated, though I didn't mind the movies one bit. It's just that the games were scarier than the movies will ever be. Well, lets see what they did with this one. Which reminds me... I haven't yet finished watching the anime version of Dead Space. Hope I remember to dl it before my damn laptop breaks down.

Parallel Universe

I did start on this other blog a little while ago, but since the damn wifi networks here are going haywire, I couldn't sign on to add more continuations and/or chapters. I guess I'm trying to see if I can come up with something which can send chills down the reader's spine. Since Stephen King is my favorite author, I'm trying to take some inspiration from his short stories (Skeleton Crew and Nightmares and Dreamscapes if you haven't read them yet, though they're pretty damn old); the whole concept of an alternate dimension where creatures from my imagination run amock... and how a person from our dimension suddenly finds him/herself lost in that dimension yadda yadda. Creatures from this dimension can be found there as well, for I once did believe the existence of a separate dimension for dead people. Who knows... it may as well exist.

I'm having problems with creating characters for the story though. I guess I'll have to think this whole thing through before I dive in. And the thing about creating scenarios is kinda hard as well. But I must try at least. Always wanted to write a book since I was a kid. Hope it's not too late.

She came over today. I'm happy she found something she lost a while back. Something she holds dear to her heart I guess. But I wish she wouldn't strain herself by going to classes sick. At least she got to rest beside me.

Want you to know you made me happy
You are the best thing that I ever had...

Love you 'til the end Cleo.

Monday, February 9, 2009

Damn stiches

Well, it's safe to say my running days are officially over. Had a tumor removed from my left thigh last Thursday. Wasn't fun... trust me. Guess I'll just have to make do with walking... bleh. It started to grow since the 7th grade, when my friend stabbed my thigh with a fucking pointy-ass gel pen. Fucking asshole. And I finally removed it. At least I got a break from uni. But breaks from uni means I'm away from the Becca too. Me sad... but happy, since she came over yesterday. She bought me a cookie today... from the place where we had our first date. Sweet. I love her so damn much.

In any case, my lappy's going bye-bye. Something's seriously wrong with it, since the explorer.exe file keeps getting removed from the task manager thingy. Guess I'll have to re-install XP. Meh.

Omg!! It's pinching me!! The stitches are pinching meh!! Dx

Monday, January 26, 2009


So clear
Tasting the flesh of one so dear
Pushed on towards belligerence
To show how much it means

Finding ways to justify
How many deaths life can't deny
The genocide inside my mind
Breaking at the seams

From here on end
Hope shall be withdrawn
The cards are on the fucking table
Dealt by the hand of an imaginary god
As the waves collapse
And freedom begins to fold away
They all look on, uncertain
Of what the untold has to say...


You walk inside my head
And promise nothing...


The weather was crappy today... I figure that's one of the reasons I had such an awesome day. Okay... all this rhyming's really gettin' to me... I need sleep.

Waiting fer yer call babe... misseth.

Friday, January 23, 2009

Let go...

They say darkness is the absence of light. Black is not a color... since one cannot find the color in a rainbow. But it exists, nonetheless. It's lunchtime for the betrayed, broken, and torn... a "Let's take a break from happiness!" of sorts. It acts as a form of solitude for those who have faced way too much in life, though some of these people are well aware of others who have been through more. For some, it triggers their curiosity and gives them a feeling of mystery and suspense. While others just tremble at the slightest thought of being turned away from light. To them, a dark, warm cave means "filled with countless invisible, dirty hands waiting to tug at their hair!"


I wish I was blind sometimes, just as a blind person would sometimes wish to see. I'm curious as to what their perspectives are... do they just see darkness? Or do they see a myriad of colors dancing about? Mental note: have a conversation with a blind person, you dumb piece o' shit! The fuck you askin' questions on a fuckin' blog for? JEEZ!!

Never mind the mental notes... they tend to make sure their views are shown. Some of you might feel the same way, but hey... that's irony for ya.

I like darkness. I like black (and also think it's a color). I guess that just goes to show that I'm no different than most people, whereas I strive for difference and individuality. Hypocrisy? Maybe... but I'll just call it Indifference (lol).

In other news, today was special. Met the Becca, rode around in a ricky, ate, talked, laughed... and all the while I was drowning in those eyes... and I think I lost myself a couple of times when she smiled at me. Yes, yes, I know... smitten fucktard... but give a guy a break, will ya?

It's times like this when I stop and wonder at the amount of randomness I spew whenever I write a blog right off the top of my head. Sometimes it gets so fucking depressing when I re-read my past blogs that I go to the bathroom and pretend to fall through the *shitter into a pool of water. (Trainspotting)

Love you Fiona.

*The place where one sits down and drops heaving masses of brown, banana-shaped, stinky wastage (aka shit, potty, kaka, goo, etc). I just don't like calling it a "commode" or a "toilet"... if there's any other appropriate word for this device, please feel free to clean mine and let me know. :)

Sunday, January 11, 2009


She said the last post was depressing because I didn't learn anything from the link since I was tired and seemed like I was going to postpone "living" until the next day. :P

It was 6am here. Sorry for not making that clear earlier... :/ I don't know how to fix the time-zone thingy :/


Saturday, January 10, 2009


This just made my day. Stumbled upon it by accident, but wow. Inspiring stuff.

Tired. Gonna go read a book now... as per usual. Tomorrow, I live. Thanks Alex.

Shrek misses and loves his Fiona muchly.


Have you ever felt like you were born to make a difference in this lifetime? I have... but I still don't know what it could be. I guess I feel this way because, seriously, I'm tired of sitting on my ass and waiting for someone else to bring about change.

This world... thinking about it brings both smiles and tears. The beauty of it... the magnificence of its ability to hold life and take it away... the raw power of its nature... these things and more accumulate wonder and a certain feeling of happiness inside me, for I am a proud and enchanted part of it. Then again, the only thing keeping it from showing its true facade are its inhabitants. War, famine, racism, disrespect, murder... these things make the world look ugly, and I feel its humiliation. It hurts me to think about the prehistoric times when there were no humans strutting around, annihilating everything in their path, and killing each other over pieces of the ground (monkey killing monkey killing monkey). Things would've been much better off if we weren't so high and mighty.

I never had a soft spot for my own kind, except for friends and people who share the same views as I do. If you've seen the news on CNN or BBC about the Gaza genocide, you'd share the same feelings as I do. And all people can do about it is protest and put up anti-genocide groups on Facebook and Myspace. It may be a good start, but when do we see an end to all this bullshit? Why must I nag, listen to others whining and nagging, wait for someone else to do something about it, and fume with rage at my inability to do anything? I switched off the TV today after I saw two men carrying away two dead children of at least 6-7 years of age. That was the last straw. I locked myself in the bathroom and sat on the shitter (for who knows how long) before I was finally able to take a shower and eat dinner.

Why must these things take place on such a divine planet? It really fucking hurts, and I hope I can figure out a way to turn my Utopia into reality.


Just a thought.
If the reason why kids today listen to violent music is partly the result of other peoples' choices and actions, where the fuck do they get the gall to complain?


Here's something I wrote a while back. It shows my feelings as above (not the violent music part, mind you) and is also in my DeviantArt profile. Don't know if anyone shares the same views or not, but at least I hope I got my point across.


In touch with clouds
Right now I'm proud
Hear me for now
As I think aloud
Preaching peace fruitlessly
Waiting for Leo's Crayola bomb...

Sleeping through the sounds
Of war and famine
And other such atrocities
Waiting for apparent change
Useless, thought-provoking nonsense
Since I'm not doing much myself...

So why complain like a pain?

Have you seen this before?
Have you been there?
People running around
Their business more precious
Ask them and they shrug
"What else is there?"

Look around
Try to visualize change
Maybe then you'll see
What "fucked up" truly means...

It's a waste of time
A waste of breath
Not much I can do now
Except wait for a prying moment
As long as I don't lose myself along the way
For time is precious
As is what the future holds...

Friday, January 9, 2009


Well, another day's going by and I have done absolutely nothing creative and/or social. My family hates me for I have sinned. Greatly. Therefore, no money, no cellphone credit, and lack of cigarettes. Because of my acts, mom can no longer show her face to any member of the family. I've done some stupid shit in my day, but this has to be the most fucked up thing I've ever done. I'm way too ashamed of myself to write about what happened. I might have to drop a whole semester because of this shit. Bal. The Becca can't ever trust me again, for I told her what happened after 5 days. I've learned my lesson and promise that I'll never hide anything from her ever again. I thought she would hate me and eventually never speak to me again. She proved me wrong, as usual, but I understand the fact that trust will always be an issue.

It's not like me to stay indoors for hours at a stretch, so I went out for a breath of fresh air and bought some eggs. Returned the rest of the cash. All I need is 10tk... just to call her and ask her if she's alright and if she's having the time of her life, but I guess it's pointless to ask for it. She's out with a bunch of her old friends and I hope she's having a blast... and eating a little, since she lost her appetite.

Fuck I feel so fucking worn out. I think I'll just go read some more. I feel so constricted, it's not even funny. Oh well... hope she calls soon.

Miss you jaan. Atali...

Thursday, January 8, 2009


Finally got myself to calm the fuck down. Read a book, ate something and found two people to follow.

I'm guessing that wasn't much of an introduction, so here's the deal. Donuts for all, if you just sit tight and call your doctor a coconut. Don't ask. In any case, If you wish to know more about me, then just click on my name. ("Salad" has no particular meaning or reference, by the way. Just something she calls me.)

In other news, I saw a rat being chased by a street dog today. Seriously. At least I think it was a rat, since I was leaning over the edge of the roof trying to see what all the commotion was about. 6 stories high, so I'm guessing it was either a rat or a weasel. Interesting indeed.

I wish Kurt Cobain was still alive. I would've shook his hand 'til it tore off and gone home happily with my keepsake. But seriously, that man was fucking brilliant. I was only a kid (and a conformist at that) when I heard Smells Like Teen Spirit. I was so into the music that I just had to listen to more. After a while, I soon realized that he was forced to go mainstream just to get some money. His lyrics in Nevermind show his utter distaste.

The mainstream propaganda is now at its highest peak in my country. The crowds only hoot and cheer at bands playing typical crowd-pleasers. The thing I hate most about the underground scene here is that most of the bands just like to cover other famous bands while trying their best to sound exactly like them! Creativity is slowly increasing though, but seriously, watching a rich, snobby kid going on stage play a flashy guitar too big for his own size without so much as moving an inch from where he started playing (let alone giving a stage performance) isn't really my cup of fruit juice. (I don't drink tea... much...)

I've been trying to come up with songs myself, but all I get are simple riffs that sound promising and some plucks that need rhythm. My cousin recently got married to this dude who plays amazing guitar, and I came up with a song to go with one of his riffs. Don't like it much, but it holds promise that I can come up with stuff if given something to work with. 'Cause without guitar/piano work, my songs just look like common poetry. That's enough typing for now. It's 3 am here and I think I'll go have a smoke and finish some chapters of The Hobbit. Yeah I finally got my hands on it. Also have a copy of The Children of Húrin. Yes, Tolkien is and will always be my favorite author of all time. Stephen King's right after him.

Here, I'll leave you with the song I don't like much. Lemme know what you think. Critique me people... it's what I'm here for and what I really fucking need. Show me the way!!

Okay fine, here it is -_-''

Secret Shrouds

Here with you
Never been done
Never been gone
Bear with me
I'm never down

If I can't hide
I can't see

Heal this tomb
Frozen in time
All the way down,
You're feeling blue
All over again

If I can't hide
I can't see

She told me it sounded like Enya when I sang it to her... but I told her to shut up haha :P I guess you see why I don't like it that much. But who cares. I've got more. And I'm gonna come up with more... and more... and donuts... great... now I'm hungry AGAIN!!

Not another piece of pure bullshit

Place the wounded on a pedestal
And leave them be

As for the detested one
O unwanted one
I dub thee sacrilegious
For I hold her sacred
If nothing more

Jeez I sound like a religious book. In any case, this just came out at random... was going through a lot of shitty emo feelings (not that I'm proud of it). Everything's cool, though I still can't concentrate enough on certain things. The only thing I look forward to is a phone call, since I've lost all interest in going outdoors and hanging out with a bunch of fags who come to me for answers to their problems and, in turn, try to fix my life. Other than that, it's just reading books or surfing the net. Fun.

Life is headed downhill once again. Why are some people so fucking narrow-minded? And while we're on the topic, why do some people make it so fucking difficult for others to live their lives in peace? It's like everyone out there is out to get me. I lost the only person I ever truly had feelings for, just because she found out that her ex cheated on her for six fucking years. Why am I being punished for something I didn't do? Not that I mind the sex, but seriously, that really isn't exactly what my feelings for her are all about. She means the world to me. The only reason I'm sticking around is because she says she loves me. She just doesn't want anything to do with relationships. Fine then. As long as I can spend time with her it's okay. But I can't help but feel jealous of other people who are happy with their loved ones and show off their love without shame. I want to be proud and show her off to my friends; not as a showpiece (as she puts it) but as a person who makes me the happiest fuck to have ever walked the face of the earth. She doesn't get it... neither does she believe me, since she thinks I'm better off with someone else. I'm really fucking confused and I don't know how much more of this depression I can take. It's the same damn thing all over again. But I can't help but hang on... for her.

I guess the point of this site is to talk about other random stuff like how mainstream music is effecting the underground music scene in my country and whatnot, but right now, I couldn't give two shits about what's happening in this shithole of a planet. Everyone else is a fucking doorknob and they expect me to believe that they understand what I'm going through. The only other person I believe right now is her and I can't help but feel insignificant. I don't know how I think I can keep her happy. If I'm not good enough for her to show and tell her friends that I have the capability to keep her happy, then I'm not sure if I'm good enough for anything.

Oh fuck... fuckitty fuck shit COCK!! I'VE TURNED INTO AN EMO FREAKSHOW!!

...excuse me while I go drown myself.