Monday, January 26, 2009


So clear
Tasting the flesh of one so dear
Pushed on towards belligerence
To show how much it means

Finding ways to justify
How many deaths life can't deny
The genocide inside my mind
Breaking at the seams

From here on end
Hope shall be withdrawn
The cards are on the fucking table
Dealt by the hand of an imaginary god
As the waves collapse
And freedom begins to fold away
They all look on, uncertain
Of what the untold has to say...


You walk inside my head
And promise nothing...


The weather was crappy today... I figure that's one of the reasons I had such an awesome day. Okay... all this rhyming's really gettin' to me... I need sleep.

Waiting fer yer call babe... misseth.

Friday, January 23, 2009

Let go...

They say darkness is the absence of light. Black is not a color... since one cannot find the color in a rainbow. But it exists, nonetheless. It's lunchtime for the betrayed, broken, and torn... a "Let's take a break from happiness!" of sorts. It acts as a form of solitude for those who have faced way too much in life, though some of these people are well aware of others who have been through more. For some, it triggers their curiosity and gives them a feeling of mystery and suspense. While others just tremble at the slightest thought of being turned away from light. To them, a dark, warm cave means "filled with countless invisible, dirty hands waiting to tug at their hair!"


I wish I was blind sometimes, just as a blind person would sometimes wish to see. I'm curious as to what their perspectives are... do they just see darkness? Or do they see a myriad of colors dancing about? Mental note: have a conversation with a blind person, you dumb piece o' shit! The fuck you askin' questions on a fuckin' blog for? JEEZ!!

Never mind the mental notes... they tend to make sure their views are shown. Some of you might feel the same way, but hey... that's irony for ya.

I like darkness. I like black (and also think it's a color). I guess that just goes to show that I'm no different than most people, whereas I strive for difference and individuality. Hypocrisy? Maybe... but I'll just call it Indifference (lol).

In other news, today was special. Met the Becca, rode around in a ricky, ate, talked, laughed... and all the while I was drowning in those eyes... and I think I lost myself a couple of times when she smiled at me. Yes, yes, I know... smitten fucktard... but give a guy a break, will ya?

It's times like this when I stop and wonder at the amount of randomness I spew whenever I write a blog right off the top of my head. Sometimes it gets so fucking depressing when I re-read my past blogs that I go to the bathroom and pretend to fall through the *shitter into a pool of water. (Trainspotting)

Love you Fiona.

*The place where one sits down and drops heaving masses of brown, banana-shaped, stinky wastage (aka shit, potty, kaka, goo, etc). I just don't like calling it a "commode" or a "toilet"... if there's any other appropriate word for this device, please feel free to clean mine and let me know. :)

Sunday, January 11, 2009


She said the last post was depressing because I didn't learn anything from the link since I was tired and seemed like I was going to postpone "living" until the next day. :P

It was 6am here. Sorry for not making that clear earlier... :/ I don't know how to fix the time-zone thingy :/


Saturday, January 10, 2009


This just made my day. Stumbled upon it by accident, but wow. Inspiring stuff.

Tired. Gonna go read a book now... as per usual. Tomorrow, I live. Thanks Alex.

Shrek misses and loves his Fiona muchly.


Have you ever felt like you were born to make a difference in this lifetime? I have... but I still don't know what it could be. I guess I feel this way because, seriously, I'm tired of sitting on my ass and waiting for someone else to bring about change.

This world... thinking about it brings both smiles and tears. The beauty of it... the magnificence of its ability to hold life and take it away... the raw power of its nature... these things and more accumulate wonder and a certain feeling of happiness inside me, for I am a proud and enchanted part of it. Then again, the only thing keeping it from showing its true facade are its inhabitants. War, famine, racism, disrespect, murder... these things make the world look ugly, and I feel its humiliation. It hurts me to think about the prehistoric times when there were no humans strutting around, annihilating everything in their path, and killing each other over pieces of the ground (monkey killing monkey killing monkey). Things would've been much better off if we weren't so high and mighty.

I never had a soft spot for my own kind, except for friends and people who share the same views as I do. If you've seen the news on CNN or BBC about the Gaza genocide, you'd share the same feelings as I do. And all people can do about it is protest and put up anti-genocide groups on Facebook and Myspace. It may be a good start, but when do we see an end to all this bullshit? Why must I nag, listen to others whining and nagging, wait for someone else to do something about it, and fume with rage at my inability to do anything? I switched off the TV today after I saw two men carrying away two dead children of at least 6-7 years of age. That was the last straw. I locked myself in the bathroom and sat on the shitter (for who knows how long) before I was finally able to take a shower and eat dinner.

Why must these things take place on such a divine planet? It really fucking hurts, and I hope I can figure out a way to turn my Utopia into reality.


Just a thought.
If the reason why kids today listen to violent music is partly the result of other peoples' choices and actions, where the fuck do they get the gall to complain?


Here's something I wrote a while back. It shows my feelings as above (not the violent music part, mind you) and is also in my DeviantArt profile. Don't know if anyone shares the same views or not, but at least I hope I got my point across.


In touch with clouds
Right now I'm proud
Hear me for now
As I think aloud
Preaching peace fruitlessly
Waiting for Leo's Crayola bomb...

Sleeping through the sounds
Of war and famine
And other such atrocities
Waiting for apparent change
Useless, thought-provoking nonsense
Since I'm not doing much myself...

So why complain like a pain?

Have you seen this before?
Have you been there?
People running around
Their business more precious
Ask them and they shrug
"What else is there?"

Look around
Try to visualize change
Maybe then you'll see
What "fucked up" truly means...

It's a waste of time
A waste of breath
Not much I can do now
Except wait for a prying moment
As long as I don't lose myself along the way
For time is precious
As is what the future holds...

Friday, January 9, 2009


Well, another day's going by and I have done absolutely nothing creative and/or social. My family hates me for I have sinned. Greatly. Therefore, no money, no cellphone credit, and lack of cigarettes. Because of my acts, mom can no longer show her face to any member of the family. I've done some stupid shit in my day, but this has to be the most fucked up thing I've ever done. I'm way too ashamed of myself to write about what happened. I might have to drop a whole semester because of this shit. Bal. The Becca can't ever trust me again, for I told her what happened after 5 days. I've learned my lesson and promise that I'll never hide anything from her ever again. I thought she would hate me and eventually never speak to me again. She proved me wrong, as usual, but I understand the fact that trust will always be an issue.

It's not like me to stay indoors for hours at a stretch, so I went out for a breath of fresh air and bought some eggs. Returned the rest of the cash. All I need is 10tk... just to call her and ask her if she's alright and if she's having the time of her life, but I guess it's pointless to ask for it. She's out with a bunch of her old friends and I hope she's having a blast... and eating a little, since she lost her appetite.

Fuck I feel so fucking worn out. I think I'll just go read some more. I feel so constricted, it's not even funny. Oh well... hope she calls soon.

Miss you jaan. Atali...

Thursday, January 8, 2009


Finally got myself to calm the fuck down. Read a book, ate something and found two people to follow.

I'm guessing that wasn't much of an introduction, so here's the deal. Donuts for all, if you just sit tight and call your doctor a coconut. Don't ask. In any case, If you wish to know more about me, then just click on my name. ("Salad" has no particular meaning or reference, by the way. Just something she calls me.)

In other news, I saw a rat being chased by a street dog today. Seriously. At least I think it was a rat, since I was leaning over the edge of the roof trying to see what all the commotion was about. 6 stories high, so I'm guessing it was either a rat or a weasel. Interesting indeed.

I wish Kurt Cobain was still alive. I would've shook his hand 'til it tore off and gone home happily with my keepsake. But seriously, that man was fucking brilliant. I was only a kid (and a conformist at that) when I heard Smells Like Teen Spirit. I was so into the music that I just had to listen to more. After a while, I soon realized that he was forced to go mainstream just to get some money. His lyrics in Nevermind show his utter distaste.

The mainstream propaganda is now at its highest peak in my country. The crowds only hoot and cheer at bands playing typical crowd-pleasers. The thing I hate most about the underground scene here is that most of the bands just like to cover other famous bands while trying their best to sound exactly like them! Creativity is slowly increasing though, but seriously, watching a rich, snobby kid going on stage play a flashy guitar too big for his own size without so much as moving an inch from where he started playing (let alone giving a stage performance) isn't really my cup of fruit juice. (I don't drink tea... much...)

I've been trying to come up with songs myself, but all I get are simple riffs that sound promising and some plucks that need rhythm. My cousin recently got married to this dude who plays amazing guitar, and I came up with a song to go with one of his riffs. Don't like it much, but it holds promise that I can come up with stuff if given something to work with. 'Cause without guitar/piano work, my songs just look like common poetry. That's enough typing for now. It's 3 am here and I think I'll go have a smoke and finish some chapters of The Hobbit. Yeah I finally got my hands on it. Also have a copy of The Children of H├║rin. Yes, Tolkien is and will always be my favorite author of all time. Stephen King's right after him.

Here, I'll leave you with the song I don't like much. Lemme know what you think. Critique me people... it's what I'm here for and what I really fucking need. Show me the way!!

Okay fine, here it is -_-''

Secret Shrouds

Here with you
Never been done
Never been gone
Bear with me
I'm never down

If I can't hide
I can't see

Heal this tomb
Frozen in time
All the way down,
You're feeling blue
All over again

If I can't hide
I can't see

She told me it sounded like Enya when I sang it to her... but I told her to shut up haha :P I guess you see why I don't like it that much. But who cares. I've got more. And I'm gonna come up with more... and more... and donuts... great... now I'm hungry AGAIN!!

Not another piece of pure bullshit

Place the wounded on a pedestal
And leave them be

As for the detested one
O unwanted one
I dub thee sacrilegious
For I hold her sacred
If nothing more

Jeez I sound like a religious book. In any case, this just came out at random... was going through a lot of shitty emo feelings (not that I'm proud of it). Everything's cool, though I still can't concentrate enough on certain things. The only thing I look forward to is a phone call, since I've lost all interest in going outdoors and hanging out with a bunch of fags who come to me for answers to their problems and, in turn, try to fix my life. Other than that, it's just reading books or surfing the net. Fun.

Life is headed downhill once again. Why are some people so fucking narrow-minded? And while we're on the topic, why do some people make it so fucking difficult for others to live their lives in peace? It's like everyone out there is out to get me. I lost the only person I ever truly had feelings for, just because she found out that her ex cheated on her for six fucking years. Why am I being punished for something I didn't do? Not that I mind the sex, but seriously, that really isn't exactly what my feelings for her are all about. She means the world to me. The only reason I'm sticking around is because she says she loves me. She just doesn't want anything to do with relationships. Fine then. As long as I can spend time with her it's okay. But I can't help but feel jealous of other people who are happy with their loved ones and show off their love without shame. I want to be proud and show her off to my friends; not as a showpiece (as she puts it) but as a person who makes me the happiest fuck to have ever walked the face of the earth. She doesn't get it... neither does she believe me, since she thinks I'm better off with someone else. I'm really fucking confused and I don't know how much more of this depression I can take. It's the same damn thing all over again. But I can't help but hang on... for her.

I guess the point of this site is to talk about other random stuff like how mainstream music is effecting the underground music scene in my country and whatnot, but right now, I couldn't give two shits about what's happening in this shithole of a planet. Everyone else is a fucking doorknob and they expect me to believe that they understand what I'm going through. The only other person I believe right now is her and I can't help but feel insignificant. I don't know how I think I can keep her happy. If I'm not good enough for her to show and tell her friends that I have the capability to keep her happy, then I'm not sure if I'm good enough for anything.

Oh fuck... fuckitty fuck shit COCK!! I'VE TURNED INTO AN EMO FREAKSHOW!!

...excuse me while I go drown myself.